Sticks and Stones

Have you ever seen a moose in the wild? Here in Colorado, moose were introduced in the late 1970s. We now have a successful breeding population living in wide-ranging areas throughout the Rockies. I have lived in Colorado all my life but had never seen a moose. Dave and I traveled to Banff, Canada, the year we were married and I expected to see a moose there. No luck.

A few years later, we were traveling through Rocky Mountain National Park and there she was, a female moose wading in a marsh near the road. Dave crept a little closer to get a picture and that’s when we saw the baby moose, hidden in the reeds, tips of the ears barely noticeable above the tall, green shoots. I warned Dave not to get too close. Despite their size and unwieldy appearance, moose are really quite fast and can be aggressive. Dave snapped a few pictures and backed away. I then proclaimed that this moose would be known as Lucy Moose. A framed picture of Lucy Moose sits on my bookshelf at work, next to the photos of my husband and my dogs.

Now, have you ever been called a moose? Probably not. I have. It was spring 2004 and I was driving home from a shopping trip when I found myself in the crosshairs of a pretty, perfectly coiffed and manicured woman in a black BMW. She was in a hurry and I was in her way, not traveling fast enough. She tried to get around me without any success, then found herself trapped at a red light alongside me. Apparently I had ruined her chance of racing through the light before it turned red. The screaming commenced and this pretty bottle-blonde turned apoplectic. Her face contorted, she jabbed her bright red fingernails in my direction and spewed a series of angry rants followed by, “I hope you die, you fat moose!”

Seemed a little out of proportion to the event. You hope I die? I knew where the “fat moose” part came from but honestly, I didn’t consider myself to be a fat moose that deserved to die simply for not understanding the significance of beating a random red light on a random day.

This is not a society that easily accepts people who do not fit within the confines of its narrow, rigid standards of perfection. I never did fit those standards and often felt as though there were an invisible “kick me” sign taped to my back. Since I never learned to fight back and never took the initiative to argue my own case, I was easy-pickings for bullies.

I have been a big girl most of my life. Somewhere around puberty I began to gain weight. As a way to help me through the bullying years, mom taught me the phrase: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I would repeat the phrase in my head, yet I never believed it. Not for one minute. None of the bullies ever tried to physically hurt me. But the names, the taunts, the below-the-belt torments were relentless. I would have taken a smack on the head or a broken bone over that any day. Not to say that physical pain is a piece of cake. My ribs were broken in a horrific car accident when I was 21 and it was the most agonizing pain I have ever endured. Through a series of accidents, sprained ankles, surgeries and the like, I have suffered through pain any number of times. Although I remember being in pain, I don’t remember the actual pain.

But I do remember the words. Even now I can recite the worst as if I heard them only yesterday. Words like, “Wrap this towel around yourself, you are too fat for that swimsuit” or “Look at those gigantic thighs” or “She looks a little bit like her mother, except her mother was pretty at that age” or “Oink oink oink” or “You might be halfway pretty if you lost some weight” or “Get some Slim Fast” or “See Vanessa, at least you’re not fat like her” and my new all-time favorite: “I hope you die, you fat moose!”

For a while in my late thirties, following a series of poor decisions and bad relationships, I holed up in my townhouse and in the process gained even more weight. I left only for work and to visit my parents. I tried to drown my sorrows, not in alcohol or drugs, but in cookies and chips, donuts and candy. Food had become my drug of choice. The thing is, my sorrows kept resurfacing. One day I realized that I had to leave the house, face the world, and start to live again. It wasn’t easy at first. I bought an older home that required much more of my physical attention. I forced myself to quit smoking and to take daily walks, first with my dog Bandit and later with Raven and Tonka.

The other day someone asked about my picture of Lucy Moose, how a picture of a moose came to be poised in such a prominent location as if she were a member of my family. So I told the story of my road rage rendezvous with the pretty but angry California transplant. Having Lucy Moose on my bookshelf helps to remind me that a moose is a wondrous animal and I now consider any moose comparisons to be a form of flattery.

Occasionally I am still subjected to a drive-by taunt. A teenager will zip around the corner in their car and shout out an unflattering comment about my body as I’m crouched over my flower beds. Intellectually, I know their comment has less to do with my body and more to do with that person’s own insecurities. Rationally, I understand that no one can make me feel inferior without my permission. Yet my heart still struggles with that lesson and sometimes, the words still hurt.

So be careful with your words. Because at times they can be more difficult to deflect than a well-thrown stick or stone.